


Arkham Manor Luxury Apartments

by Sapphy



Series: Tumblr Fics [8]
Category: Batman (Comics), DCU
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Alternate Universe - No Powers, Epistolary, Gen, Suburbia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-05 00:50:50
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3098849
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sapphy/pseuds/Sapphy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes Bruce thinks he's got the worst tenants any landlord could have.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Arkham Manor Luxury Apartments

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by a tumblr post found [here](glumshoe-duaedesigns-dr-archeville).

Dear Mr Dent,

The management wishes to thank you for your prompt payment of your rent. However we were wondering whether, in future, it would be possible for you to pay in denominations larger that two dollars? The bank have been started to enquire whether I am running a money laundering business.

If this is not possible, we quite understand, but for your convenience, we can accept payment by cheque or bank transfer.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)   


* * *

 

 

Mr Nygma,

The management wishes to remind you that it is a requirement in your tenancy agreement that you pay your rent promptly each month. We appreciate that there may be circumstances in which this is not possible, and we endeavour to do all we can to support our valued tenants, however failure on the part of the building supervisor to answer your riddles is not a valid reason for non-payment.

In future, we will require you to pay on time, or the management will be forced to take steps to terminate your tenancy.

Many thanks for your cooperation,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

P.S. The answer to the riddle is ‘a secret’.

* * *

 

Dear Ms Kyle,

The management would like to remind you that under your tenancy agreement, you may only keep a maximum of three cats or dogs in your apartment. While your cats are clean and well-behaved, we must ask you to reduce the number in order to comply with the rules of your tenancy.

Many thanks,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Carson,

Regretfully I must inform you that deep fat fryers are allowed in the apartments, as they are a fire risk.

Yours,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Mr Nygma,

The management is once again writing to remind you that your rent is required on the last day of every month and failure to meet that deadline will result in a termination of your contract. This is not the first time we have had to remind you of this. We would be disappointed to lose you as a tenant, but termination of your contract will regrettably become necessary if you continue to refuse to pay.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

P.S. The answer is 'a road'. If you’re going to insist on setting the management riddles, at least make them challenging ones.

* * *

 

Dear Mr Carson,

Regretfully I must inform you that following the incident, we can no longer allow you to burn candles in your apartment as they are a fire risk.

Yours,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Fries,

We have had complaints from a number of your fellow tenants that you are still running your air conditioning unit. I understand that you prefer to keep your apartment cool, and it is your right to heat your apartment however you choose, however it is January. There’s six inches of snow. Could you perhaps turn of your air con until the weather is a little warmer? The cold emanating from your apartment is having a deleterious effect on the heating bills of those in the apartments around you.

Many thanks,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Mr Nygma,

The management has received your letter dated 31st of March. We thank you for taking the time to contact us, but we must respectfully disagree with you. It is required that you pay rent, regardless of the intellect of the building management. Your supposed intellectual superiority does not exempt you from having to pay rent, and in this the law will back us up.

If you do not pay the three months back rent you owe within the week, we will be forced to evict you.

Looking forward to your prompt settlement,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Ms Kyle,

We are writing concerning the incident last Friday. While of course we understand that it was a complete misunderstanding, and that all charges were dropped, you must understand it reflects badly on Wayne Lettings to have police cars outside our buildings. We would like to express our hope that this does not happen again.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Dr Quinzel,

Firstly I would like to welcome you to the building. I hope you will be very happy here.

The management would just like to remind you that, while pets are allowed in the apartments, this is limited to dogs, cats, small rodents and lizards etc. You may not be aware of this, but Lou and Bud are not, in fact, dogs. They are Crocuta Crocuta, also known as the spotted hyena. They are wild animals, and not suitable to be kept as indoor pets. I realise this may be upsetting, but if you wish to remain in your apartment, we will be requiring you to get rid of them.

We enclose the number of an excellent animal rescue centre. I have spoken to the owner, Mr Blake, and he would be more than happy to take Bud and Lou, and give them a good home.

Many thanks for your cooperation,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Selina,

What the hell are you playing at? You can’t pay your rent in diamonds, and even if you could, we do not accept stolen property. If you’re going to pay your rent by theft, at least have the courtesy to fence the damn things and pay me in actually damn money!

Bruce

* * *

 

Dear Dr Crane,

I appreciate that you are conducting private experiments in your apartment, which cannot be done in your lab at the university. As discussed when you took the apartment, the management is happy to allow this, provided all reasonable safety precautions are obeyed. However, we cannot allow you to keep lab rats in your apartment. They have escaped three times this month, and while Mr Flannegan in the apartment next door says he doesn’t mind, several of your other neighbours have complained.

Please have the creatures out of the building within the week.

Thanking you in advance for your cooperation,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Carson,

No camping stoves. They’re a fire risk.

Yours,

Bruce Wayne

* * *

 

Carson,

Hair straightners? Really?

Bruce Wayne

* * *

 

 

Dear Dr Quinzel,

We note that Bud and Lou are still inhabiting your apartment, contrary to our request.

We have received your letter, and yes, the management is aware that Hyenas are closer to cats than dogs, however, the resemblance between the families Hyaenidae and Felidae does not, in fact, make Hyenas cats, nor does it make them any more suitable as house pets.

The management has made enquiries and established that it is, in fact, illegal in this start to keep Hyenas as pets, contrary to the Trafficking in Exotic Animals Act. If you do not find some more suitable home for your ‘pets’ we will be forced to contact the authorities.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Kerr,

It has come to the management’s attention that the cheques you are using to pay the rent are under the name of a Mr J Napier. We are of course perfectly happy to accept payment from someone else on your behalf, but following allegations of criminal activity by some of your fellow tenants, the management will now be requiring proof that the third party consents to pay the rent. If Mr Napier could contact us at his earliest convenience to confirm he is happy for us to pay in the rent, we would greatly appreciate it.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Day,

Rent is required on the last day of the month. Unfortunately we are not able to accept payment on the nearest public holiday. I’m sure you understand. Several months do not have public holidays, and when they do, the banks are closed.

From now on, please pay your rent on the assigned day.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Kerr,

I appreciate you are an entrepreneur, but turning any part of your apartment into a tourist attraction is a clear violation of your tenancy agreement. If you do not take steps to shut down your Haunted Funhouse, the management will be forced to terminate your tenancy.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Dr Quinzel,

We wish to thank you most sincerely for getting rid of your hyenas. It cannot have been easy, but I am sure they are much happier in Mr Blake’s sanctuary than in a fifth floor apartment, however spacious and well-appointed.

We note you have since acquired a number of dogs. While dogs are allowed under the rules of your tenancy agreement, so long as they are well behaved, we do have a three pet limit. I believe at last count our building supervisor estimated you had acquired 36 puppies, and the number seems to be increasing. Once again we must respectfully request that you reduce the number of pets to comply with the rules of your tenancy agreement.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

To All Tenants,

The management would like to remind you that there are restrictions on the number and type of pets you may keep in your apartments. If there is any confusion over these rules, please contact management before purchasing any pet.

Building Management

* * *

 

Dear Dr Isley,

We are delighted that you are taking such pride in maintaining your apartment, however we have had some complaints about your window boxes. We understand that exotic plants are part of your profession, but could you perhaps plant some less dangerous plants? Your windows are at street level, and we have had several reports of children being hospitalised after picking berries from your window boxes. In addition, several of the plants are growing quite bushy, and have particularly long thorns, and a number of passers-by have been injured.

Have you considered marigolds?

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Dr Langstrom,

No bats. Seriously. Why do we even have to say this? Obviously it is not okay to keep bats in your apartment.

Get rid of them.

Yours,

Bruce Wayne

* * *

 

Mr Al-Ghul,

Mr Wayne is flattered by your daughters interest, but regrets to inform her that he is not looking for a relationship right now. He suggests she try speed dating.

Yours,

Alfred Pennyworth

* * *

 

Dear Mr Kerr,

We note that despite our previous request, you have not closed down your haunted funhouse. You have in fact expanded it into Dr Crane’s flat. We are pleased that your are getting along with your neighbours, but once again we remind you that running a tourist attraction in your apartment breaches the rules of your tenancy agreement.

In addition we have had noise complaints from several of the neighbours, who claim they hear screaming coming from your apartment in the night. If you could please close of all sound effects at nightfall, that would be appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Tetch,

We have received complaints from a number of parents in the building that you have been inviting their daughters into your apartment for tea. As I’m sure you understand, this has made several of them seriously concerned. While I’m sure the invitations were extended in all innocence, we’ve had more than enough run-ins with the police this year. In future please exercise a little more discretion.

Yours,

Bruce Wayne

(Landlord)

* * *

 

Dear Mr Wesker,

I can’t believe I need to say this. We need the rent cheques to be signed by you, not by your puppet.

Yours,

Bruce Wayne

* * *

 

Dear Miss Al-Ghul,

I believe you must be mistaken. To my certain knowledge we have never had intercourse, and since I am not a sperm donor there is no way I could be the father of your child.

Congratulations on your pregnancy,

Bruce Wayne

* * *

 

Mr Kerr,

No, I am not prepared to make an exception to our rules for your funhouse ‘because I love you’. I do not love you, our relationship is purely professional. In addition, even if I did love you, I would still not allow you to break the rules.

Bruce Wayne

* * *

 

To All Tenants,

The management wishes to apologise for the disruptions last night. An ambulance had be called after a child visiting Mr Kerr (apartment 17)’s illegal Funhouse fell through a trapdoor he had cut into the laundry room. The child was badly shaken and bruises, but not seriously harmed. The child’s parents then quite rightly called the police, and Mr Kerr has been taken into custody pending an investigation.

Hopefully things will be a little quieter around here for a while. In the meantime, does anyone know how to turn off the music from the funhouse? The management have been unable to find the source of it, and Mr Crane (apartment 18) says it is stopping him from sleeping.

Building Management

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on tumblr [here](http://sapphywatchesyousleep.tumblr.com/)


End file.
